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Unpacking Cid and Benedikta's Relationship
With the release of LOGOS, a little more detail is offered into the past relationship between Cidolfus Telamon and Benedikta Harman. The game already had suggestions and hints as to what they could have been, but nothing clear cut. Unfortunately, LOGOS is not so clear cut, either, despite what a quick superficial reading might give. They had a very complicated and tragic relationship, so I'm going to delve into the how, especially from Cid's side, and why it likely swayed more romantic even if it didn't get quite all the way there.
SPOILERS AHEAD!!
We know Cid found Benedikta not long after she awakened to her powers. According to LOGOS, rumors about a newly awakened Garuda is what prompted Barnabas to send Cid out to investigate, and Cid would arrive in time to witness her using her powers to murder bandits who were after her bounty. At that point, Cid was determined to create a safe haven for the girl as well as a place where she could thrive to her full potential.
No one doubts Cid held considerable feelings and some form of love for Benedikta, especially through his actions through the game alone. In fact, from all three sources—game canon, Ultimania, and LOGOS—it's quite clear meeting her gave him a firmer drive and conviction to try and change the world for the better, a clear reason to try and understand the Mothercrystals and make a safer world for her. All the texts say how meeting herade him want to create a sanctuary for her, and even his own words suggest part of his motivation was to save her. To let her "die as a human," "to be free, free of it all."
But what Benedikta wanted was a deeper love, one that goes beyond mentor and mentee, beyond the savior and the saved. Benedikta might not have even fully understood her own feelings, especially when Cid was the first person she felt such passion towards and she was still quite young and lived such a terrible life before then. Who wouldn't fall in love with the hero who pulled her out of that darkness and continued to be genuinely kind and saw the best in her?
She wanted his heart, completely and fully. That however, was not a wish that was ever really fulfilled, the question of whether Cid returned her feelings is—complicated.
In Benedikta's entry for LOGOS, Harpocrates writes that, "Those feelings, however, Cid was never quite able to return as Benedikta might have wished—much to her frustration." This suggests that Cid did not hold romantic feelings towards Benedikta, and I believe it—partially. As a reminder, Harpocrates only wrote from what he knew and was told, and how much Cid actually revealed is up in the air. Given everything else, I do not think he would be so forthcoming on the truth.
Thus the words "never quite able" are doing a lot of heavy lifting as it is a specific choice of words. Harpocrates could have written "never able" to make it sound more definitive. But adding the qualifier "quite," it means it is no longer definitive and in fact suggests that there is an almost. Of course I realize I am dipping into semantics and meanings of words, but it's something to consider.
Regardless, I think in those earlier years Cid would not have allowed himself to cross a certain line when it came to Benedikta. Although the age difference and power imbalance would not be seen unusual in the context of their world's social norms, Cid would still be mindful of them; and even if he did know the true depths of Benedikta's feelings, he would have reasonable doubt on whether it was just a young girl's first crush. He wouldn't doubt her sincerity or dismiss them, but it's not unreasonable to think that her feelings might be a mistake. He might have thought she latched onto him as he was the first good thing in the world and believed that as she grew and met more people, those feelings would change. Especially because he was twice her age, and she was charge. So from that alone, it would make sense that Cid would be unable to fully return her feelings.
When is up in the air. Could be during the later years as things between them grew tense because of Hugo (something he vehemently opposed), or could have been after he left Waloed and they happened to meet and raw emotions got the better of them. I think more of the latter, personally. They are certainly quite cavalier when meeting in Lostwing, suggesting they have met and clashed in the six years since he left Waloed. Not to mention all the lingering gazes shared between them. But there are a few hints to implicate their relations regardless of the timeline.
In Game: "Best and Worst Decision." The first hint is from the game and from Cid himself. While he doesn't necessarily say anything specific, when on the way to Caer Norvent, Clive asked Cid what his relationship was with Benedikta. After a long pause, Cid finally answers, "The best and worst decision I ever made." It's followed by a look of resignation before he warns Clive of her powers, clearly wanting to move on from the topic.
[INSERT CLIP]
When that particular phrase is used to describe a relationship it will always mean one of romantic undertones, similar to the phrase, "S/he was the best and worst mistake I ever made." They are both phrases often used by characters who have a complicated past with another person, usually involving bad breakups. It depicts that while the outcome or consequence of engagement was painful or filled with regrets because they knew they shouldn't have, there were still brilliant moments that balanced out or outweighed the negatives. And because Cid used the word decision specifically, it means he made that choice to give into those feelings.
Thus a possible scenario could be like this: Cid knew being with Benedikta would only deepen their wounds and no good would come of it because they still could not agree with each other's choice. But he still wanted her, he wanted to give into those repressed feelings even if he still could not give Benedikta all of his heart like she still desperately wanted.
The fact Cid doesn't give a straight answer and instead a somewhat evasive, cheeky one is also important that I will get into later.
LOGOS: "You did bed Benedikta Harman." Another hint is Gav's letter in LOGOS, which I think makes it quite clear and supports what has been said so far.
In a letter to Cid while they were dealing with the events in Caer Norvent, Gav still has some question about Clive's involvement. He then adds, "I'm not saying I don't trust your judgment, but then again, you did bed Benedikta Harman." He follows that up with "Sorry, low blow." That "low blow" comment indicates that this is a sore spot for Cid.
Gav joined Cid not long after Cid left Waloed. Whatever about Benedikta he learned from Cid was likely through whatever stories Cid was willing to share, and possibly whatever came out during drunken confessions as we know Cid's mind and lips get a lot looser. I do not think Gav would have joked about Cid having sexual relations with Benedikta just off the cuff or made a baseless assumption, otherwise the "low blow" would have no impact whatsoever. "Low blow" insults are meant to hit where it hurt or at least make a harsh point, and they only work if there's some truth to it. This is especially so since Gav is questioning Cid's judgment, and it would make no sense to make such a comparison if such an event didn't happen.
It would make even worse sense for Gav to make such a joke if Cid saw Benedikta as just a ward or daughter of some kind. There's no way Gav would make such a statement with Midadol, so why would he make it of Benedikta? To argue that Gav might not have known doesn't make sense at all, because then why say such a thing at all? How would that make his point?
This is why Gav's letter is very important here, even if it's from a third person's account. Gav knew the truth and he deliberately used it as a weak point against Cid, even if it might have been an offhand remark. As another point, Gav knew he could write it and get away with it, which means such insults, jokes, or allusions are not new and thus Cid has not tried to deny or say otherwise.
Cid's own ambiguity. The final hint is Cid's own behavior regarding Benedikta. If it was strictly platonic, if he treated her just as a mentee or someone he raised, he could have easily said or rebuked any such implications. And if he did, Gav wouldn't have made what would then have become a more tasteless joke. There is really no reason for Cid to not make it clear if he had no relations or deeper feelings for Benedikta if that were so.
However, because there is that ambiguity and those "subtle" hints as implications (his answer to Clive), it makes it sound more likely that he did harbor more intimate feelings and had acted on them in some form. He has nothing to lose in specifying she was just someone under his tutelage. But there is greater risk in admitting they were more intimate. It's a sign of vulnerability, weakness, as well as a painful regret of how they ended up, which he never goes into.
It is often clearly stated how Benedikta felt that Cid leaving Waleod was a betrayal for her, but I think for Cid, Benedikta not listening and not following him was also a betrayal for him. The feelings that could have budded into something more real and substantial could not grow beyond the "what if" because of the hurt he was also experiencing. He had once could believe through her own words that he was all she wanted, and yet that changed through Barnabas. He even says himself in the chapel scene that he no longer knew what she wants.
[CHAPEL SCENE:
Bene: You know nothing of me, Cidolfus!
Cid: You're right. I don't know who you are anymore. Or what you want.
Cid: I only know what you used to say—that you were tired of running.
Cid: That you just wanted to be free. Free of it all.
Cid: You weren't lying to me then, so what changed?
Cid: What made you think you had to sacrifice who you were to get what you wanted?
Bene: Sacrifice!? I use my talents to my advantage and you would tell me there is shame in that!?
Cid: If there is no shame, then why do you feel so sorry for yourself!?]
The voice acting and motion capture direction really reveal a lot through Cid's expression. There's that hint of resignation and regret, and when put alongside the letter she wrote all those years ago—"For no longer shall I beg, for no longer do I want. For I have you."—it's not so hard to believe that it hurt all the more when she turned away from him and followed Barnabas instead.
Personally I think Cid should have just grabbed her and dragged her out with him, but he had the strong belief in everyone having their own free will and free choice, he didn't. I also think he was hurt enough and felt betrayed enough that he wasn't going to force it. It was only until years later when he sees her again in the Greatwood again that he voices that hidden desire: "If we could capture her..." That wasn't just him purely speaking from a strategic point. Even after everything, he still wanted Benedikta on his side.
I am of two minds about the LOGOS explanation about how Cid gave the pendant to Benedikta. First, the idea that Cid made the pendant just for her, with his two swords and the depiction of a gryphon used for Garuda, holds a lot, I mean a lot of meaning. I don't think he gave it to her with romantic inclinations in mind, but there is a certain depth there that would have allowed something to grow later if it had the chance. There has also been no one else, not even Mid, to have received such a gesture. That is not to say Cid loved Mid any less—in fact LOGOS states Mid is what helped keep Cid going after he learned the truth about Barnabas's schemes with the Blight and the Mothercrystals, and he truly loved and doted on his daughter. But the pendant is a very significant gesture and symbolic for his relationship with Benedikta.
Promises given, promises broken...but not forgotten.
When he sees it on the ground after Ifrit's fight with Garuda, he immediately knows what it is and is even surprised—perhaps not believing that she could have kept it all this time, especially after their last clash. I think at that moment, Cid realizes what Benedikta's feelings towards him really were, and felt more of that pain and regret of not being able to save her. Benedikta's death definitely struck Cid hard. Even if he doesn't really say it, once again the voice acting and motion capture show so much in his expressions, words, and movements. Even the Inner Voices from Vivian's reports reveal a hint of his thoughts.
I really quite like the explanation LOGOS gave for the pendant...if not for the fact there is an inconsistency between the book and what we see in game. In Benedikta's flashback, Cid arrives while wearing the pendant on his neck. Unless the flashback is now faulty and a shoehorned way for the devs to show players Cid had the pendant to give to her, the sequence of events conflicts with the book. Honestly, I do prefer the LOGOS way because all this time I wondered what the pendant could have meant to Cid beforehand. But yeah that's my only "criticism" for that point.
ANYWAY CID AND BENEDIKTA HAD A TRAGIC RELATIONSHIP UUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH OH I GUESS I COULD HAVE WRITTEN HOW THEY ARE FOILS TO CLIVE AND JILL LMFAO.
SPOILERS AHEAD!!
FEELINGS UNREQUITED
Let's start with the big point of contention, and that is what Cid's feelings could have been toward Benedikta early on. So we start from the very beginning.We know Cid found Benedikta not long after she awakened to her powers. According to LOGOS, rumors about a newly awakened Garuda is what prompted Barnabas to send Cid out to investigate, and Cid would arrive in time to witness her using her powers to murder bandits who were after her bounty. At that point, Cid was determined to create a safe haven for the girl as well as a place where she could thrive to her full potential.
No one doubts Cid held considerable feelings and some form of love for Benedikta, especially through his actions through the game alone. In fact, from all three sources—game canon, Ultimania, and LOGOS—it's quite clear meeting her gave him a firmer drive and conviction to try and change the world for the better, a clear reason to try and understand the Mothercrystals and make a safer world for her. All the texts say how meeting herade him want to create a sanctuary for her, and even his own words suggest part of his motivation was to save her. To let her "die as a human," "to be free, free of it all."
 |
Note: A translation of the text: "Cid, who holds himself in sympathy with Bearers and Dominants who aren’t permitted to live as human beings and tries to create a place where they can live according to their own free will. This was also to grant the wish of a young girl he once saved who wanted to "die as a human being," but..." |
But what Benedikta wanted was a deeper love, one that goes beyond mentor and mentee, beyond the savior and the saved. Benedikta might not have even fully understood her own feelings, especially when Cid was the first person she felt such passion towards and she was still quite young and lived such a terrible life before then. Who wouldn't fall in love with the hero who pulled her out of that darkness and continued to be genuinely kind and saw the best in her?
She wanted his heart, completely and fully. That however, was not a wish that was ever really fulfilled, the question of whether Cid returned her feelings is—complicated.
In Benedikta's entry for LOGOS, Harpocrates writes that, "Those feelings, however, Cid was never quite able to return as Benedikta might have wished—much to her frustration." This suggests that Cid did not hold romantic feelings towards Benedikta, and I believe it—partially. As a reminder, Harpocrates only wrote from what he knew and was told, and how much Cid actually revealed is up in the air. Given everything else, I do not think he would be so forthcoming on the truth.
Thus the words "never quite able" are doing a lot of heavy lifting as it is a specific choice of words. Harpocrates could have written "never able" to make it sound more definitive. But adding the qualifier "quite," it means it is no longer definitive and in fact suggests that there is an almost. Of course I realize I am dipping into semantics and meanings of words, but it's something to consider.
Regardless, I think in those earlier years Cid would not have allowed himself to cross a certain line when it came to Benedikta. Although the age difference and power imbalance would not be seen unusual in the context of their world's social norms, Cid would still be mindful of them; and even if he did know the true depths of Benedikta's feelings, he would have reasonable doubt on whether it was just a young girl's first crush. He wouldn't doubt her sincerity or dismiss them, but it's not unreasonable to think that her feelings might be a mistake. He might have thought she latched onto him as he was the first good thing in the world and believed that as she grew and met more people, those feelings would change. Especially because he was twice her age, and she was charge. So from that alone, it would make sense that Cid would be unable to fully return her feelings.
CROSSING THE LINE
But while Cid may not have been able to fully return her feelings, I do think his own started to deepen and sway towards romantic, at the very least something beyond plain platonic. That Harpocrates has that letter for the book means Cid kept it even after all those years, proof that it had special meaning and that he likely knew those deeper feelings she had for him. And while Cid's own feelings were still muddled and complicated, despite the line he drew to keep himself distant I believe he did eventually cross the line and to something physical. They at least had sexual relations once, a slip of those "forbidden" feelings he himself tried to ignore and gave into.When is up in the air. Could be during the later years as things between them grew tense because of Hugo (something he vehemently opposed), or could have been after he left Waloed and they happened to meet and raw emotions got the better of them. I think more of the latter, personally. They are certainly quite cavalier when meeting in Lostwing, suggesting they have met and clashed in the six years since he left Waloed. Not to mention all the lingering gazes shared between them. But there are a few hints to implicate their relations regardless of the timeline.
In Game: "Best and Worst Decision." The first hint is from the game and from Cid himself. While he doesn't necessarily say anything specific, when on the way to Caer Norvent, Clive asked Cid what his relationship was with Benedikta. After a long pause, Cid finally answers, "The best and worst decision I ever made." It's followed by a look of resignation before he warns Clive of her powers, clearly wanting to move on from the topic.
[INSERT CLIP]
When that particular phrase is used to describe a relationship it will always mean one of romantic undertones, similar to the phrase, "S/he was the best and worst mistake I ever made." They are both phrases often used by characters who have a complicated past with another person, usually involving bad breakups. It depicts that while the outcome or consequence of engagement was painful or filled with regrets because they knew they shouldn't have, there were still brilliant moments that balanced out or outweighed the negatives. And because Cid used the word decision specifically, it means he made that choice to give into those feelings.
Thus a possible scenario could be like this: Cid knew being with Benedikta would only deepen their wounds and no good would come of it because they still could not agree with each other's choice. But he still wanted her, he wanted to give into those repressed feelings even if he still could not give Benedikta all of his heart like she still desperately wanted.
The fact Cid doesn't give a straight answer and instead a somewhat evasive, cheeky one is also important that I will get into later.
LOGOS: "You did bed Benedikta Harman." Another hint is Gav's letter in LOGOS, which I think makes it quite clear and supports what has been said so far.
In a letter to Cid while they were dealing with the events in Caer Norvent, Gav still has some question about Clive's involvement. He then adds, "I'm not saying I don't trust your judgment, but then again, you did bed Benedikta Harman." He follows that up with "Sorry, low blow." That "low blow" comment indicates that this is a sore spot for Cid.
Gav joined Cid not long after Cid left Waloed. Whatever about Benedikta he learned from Cid was likely through whatever stories Cid was willing to share, and possibly whatever came out during drunken confessions as we know Cid's mind and lips get a lot looser. I do not think Gav would have joked about Cid having sexual relations with Benedikta just off the cuff or made a baseless assumption, otherwise the "low blow" would have no impact whatsoever. "Low blow" insults are meant to hit where it hurt or at least make a harsh point, and they only work if there's some truth to it. This is especially so since Gav is questioning Cid's judgment, and it would make no sense to make such a comparison if such an event didn't happen.
It would make even worse sense for Gav to make such a joke if Cid saw Benedikta as just a ward or daughter of some kind. There's no way Gav would make such a statement with Midadol, so why would he make it of Benedikta? To argue that Gav might not have known doesn't make sense at all, because then why say such a thing at all? How would that make his point?
This is why Gav's letter is very important here, even if it's from a third person's account. Gav knew the truth and he deliberately used it as a weak point against Cid, even if it might have been an offhand remark. As another point, Gav knew he could write it and get away with it, which means such insults, jokes, or allusions are not new and thus Cid has not tried to deny or say otherwise.
Cid's own ambiguity. The final hint is Cid's own behavior regarding Benedikta. If it was strictly platonic, if he treated her just as a mentee or someone he raised, he could have easily said or rebuked any such implications. And if he did, Gav wouldn't have made what would then have become a more tasteless joke. There is really no reason for Cid to not make it clear if he had no relations or deeper feelings for Benedikta if that were so.
However, because there is that ambiguity and those "subtle" hints as implications (his answer to Clive), it makes it sound more likely that he did harbor more intimate feelings and had acted on them in some form. He has nothing to lose in specifying she was just someone under his tutelage. But there is greater risk in admitting they were more intimate. It's a sign of vulnerability, weakness, as well as a painful regret of how they ended up, which he never goes into.
It is often clearly stated how Benedikta felt that Cid leaving Waleod was a betrayal for her, but I think for Cid, Benedikta not listening and not following him was also a betrayal for him. The feelings that could have budded into something more real and substantial could not grow beyond the "what if" because of the hurt he was also experiencing. He had once could believe through her own words that he was all she wanted, and yet that changed through Barnabas. He even says himself in the chapel scene that he no longer knew what she wants.
[CHAPEL SCENE:
Bene: You know nothing of me, Cidolfus!
Cid: You're right. I don't know who you are anymore. Or what you want.
Cid: I only know what you used to say—that you were tired of running.
Cid: That you just wanted to be free. Free of it all.
Cid: You weren't lying to me then, so what changed?
Cid: What made you think you had to sacrifice who you were to get what you wanted?
Bene: Sacrifice!? I use my talents to my advantage and you would tell me there is shame in that!?
Cid: If there is no shame, then why do you feel so sorry for yourself!?]
The voice acting and motion capture direction really reveal a lot through Cid's expression. There's that hint of resignation and regret, and when put alongside the letter she wrote all those years ago—"For no longer shall I beg, for no longer do I want. For I have you."—it's not so hard to believe that it hurt all the more when she turned away from him and followed Barnabas instead.
Personally I think Cid should have just grabbed her and dragged her out with him, but he had the strong belief in everyone having their own free will and free choice, he didn't. I also think he was hurt enough and felt betrayed enough that he wasn't going to force it. It was only until years later when he sees her again in the Greatwood again that he voices that hidden desire: "If we could capture her..." That wasn't just him purely speaking from a strategic point. Even after everything, he still wanted Benedikta on his side.
THE PENDANT
Finally, there is the pendant. It was a symbol of Cid's promise that he would keep her safe and that no harm would come to her.I am of two minds about the LOGOS explanation about how Cid gave the pendant to Benedikta. First, the idea that Cid made the pendant just for her, with his two swords and the depiction of a gryphon used for Garuda, holds a lot, I mean a lot of meaning. I don't think he gave it to her with romantic inclinations in mind, but there is a certain depth there that would have allowed something to grow later if it had the chance. There has also been no one else, not even Mid, to have received such a gesture. That is not to say Cid loved Mid any less—in fact LOGOS states Mid is what helped keep Cid going after he learned the truth about Barnabas's schemes with the Blight and the Mothercrystals, and he truly loved and doted on his daughter. But the pendant is a very significant gesture and symbolic for his relationship with Benedikta.
Promises given, promises broken...but not forgotten.
When he sees it on the ground after Ifrit's fight with Garuda, he immediately knows what it is and is even surprised—perhaps not believing that she could have kept it all this time, especially after their last clash. I think at that moment, Cid realizes what Benedikta's feelings towards him really were, and felt more of that pain and regret of not being able to save her. Benedikta's death definitely struck Cid hard. Even if he doesn't really say it, once again the voice acting and motion capture show so much in his expressions, words, and movements. Even the Inner Voices from Vivian's reports reveal a hint of his thoughts.
I really quite like the explanation LOGOS gave for the pendant...if not for the fact there is an inconsistency between the book and what we see in game. In Benedikta's flashback, Cid arrives while wearing the pendant on his neck. Unless the flashback is now faulty and a shoehorned way for the devs to show players Cid had the pendant to give to her, the sequence of events conflicts with the book. Honestly, I do prefer the LOGOS way because all this time I wondered what the pendant could have meant to Cid beforehand. But yeah that's my only "criticism" for that point.
FOILS TO CLIVE AND JILL
On a more thematic level, Cid and Benedikta are clear foils as a couple to Clive and Jill.ANYWAY CID AND BENEDIKTA HAD A TRAGIC RELATIONSHIP UUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH OH I GUESS I COULD HAVE WRITTEN HOW THEY ARE FOILS TO CLIVE AND JILL LMFAO.